Sample edited essay

This is a sample 650-700-word edited essay. Comments are written in blue italics, and are included in between paragraphs and at the end of the essay. Comments are labelled with asterisks (*) because of the formatting of this website. In reality, comments will be included in the margins, using Microsoft’s Track Changes, or any other method the student prefers.

Prompt: “Write about some modern conveniences that have turned out to be inconvenient, using MLA formatting. Do not use first- or second-person.”

:————-:————–:————:

FirstName LastName

Professor Name

ClassName ##

1/11/2017

According to MLA style formatting, you will need to put the date in this format: 11 January 2017. You also need to remember to do a page number at the top right corner of the page, like this: Lastname #. Use Microsoft Word Formatting to do so. If you need help, contact me and I can walk you through it.

 

Modern cConveniences that have tTurned oOut to be iInconveniences

(Remember to center your title. Also, try to come up with a more creative title, if you can. Consider what, specifically, you are writing about in your paper. What kind of conveniences?)

There are more and more high-Tech has been popularized since then the development of modern society. Suggested: “Technology has become increasingly popular in modern society.” So*, the majority of people consider that modern conveniences are indispensable, such as cell(you need a space between these two words)phones, microwaves, and vehicles, indispensible so on. Though high-Tech** brings comfort to people, there is still has some disadvantage of high-Tech. Suggested: “It also creates some disadvantages.” As a result, some modern conveniences hashave turned out to be  into the inconveniences.***

*”So” is a little too colloquial for an academic paper. It is better to not use it here at all. In other cases, you can use “Therefore,” or “Thus,” but do not overuse these words, or the paper will sound too pretentious. 

**”high-tech” is not a term used in academic writing. Just use “technology” or “modern technology”

***The thesis of your paper should not restate the prompt. 

With the increase of people’s income, a Ccell phone has become a life necessarily necessity since then the development of high-Tech*. It is well-known that Mobile cell phones** enables people to communicate with each other in different locations. Also, there is no doubt that people can get resources through their mobile networks web. However, the accessibility of information may lead to the system criminal activity. For instance, nowadays, people can use Ali-pay*** to buy things and pay money **** for.  Alipay E-commerce Corp is an popularize Ee-commerce mobile application network platform popular among the Chinaese. Due to the fact is that Because Alipay needs to relate to the access users’ bank accounts to pay  transfer money online.,***** The information of bank account information can would leak out when people commerce with******* buy products from online sellers. As a result, it is easier for people to disclose the password of the bank account. Afterward, it******* can steal the fund of money from people’s the bank accounts., Thus, it will causeing the great economic losses of people. When we people******** chat with a stranger on the cell *********phone, it may give them an opportunity to commit a serious crime**********. Also, cell- the Furthermore, (or In addition,) cell phones can be used for listening to music and watch movies. To watch Watching movies can help teenagers to relax them, but it also leads the youthful to go astray.********** Such as  Moreover, the cell-phone********** games and social network***********; Most of youngest addicts to cell-phone game and abandon their studies, even though they weariness and hooky.************* It************* severely affects the mental health of teenagers and eventually goes leads to crime.

* See comment above regarding use of the word “high-Tech.” 

**use “cell phone” or “mobile phone.” “Mobile” by itself is not the word you use to refer to the device you carry in your pocket.

***Because you are writing this article for an American audience, who don’t usually use Alipay, you will need to explain not only what Alipay is, but how it works, and why it’s significance. As a writer, you need to think of your reader: do not assume that readers know everything you know.

****”pay money” is redundant because people typically use money to pay for things. Now, if you were describing someone who tried to pay for things using potatoes, that would be unusual, and worth saying. Otherwise, “pay” is all you need to write.

*****This is an incomplete sentence. Beware of those!

******”commerce” is not a verb, and cannot be used in this way.

*******”As a result” can’t be used here, because it would be redundant. You already mentioned that sensitive information can be leaked, so readers would assume that the sensitive information includes passwords. Also, “it” is too vague. Who or what are you talking about? Alipay? Thieves who hack into Alipay?

********In academic writing, you are usually required to avoid the first person, using words like “I,” “you,” “we,” etc.

********* No hyphen in between cell-phone. Just “cell phone.”

********* Why? Just because of Alipay? Can you explain the connection better? This statement is confusing because you were talking about Alipay, and now you’re saying that just using the cell phone to talk to someone puts people in danger. How is that so?

**********Some logic/reasoning issues here: Teenagers are not the only ones who watch movies. Also, cell phones are not the reason people watch movies, nor are they the only means for people to watch movies. What about TVs, or movie theaters? Try to explain why cell phones in particular are causing the problem. Also, how do movies lead people astray? You don’t explain this in the following sentences.

***********This sentence does not make sense. You are saying that young addicts of cell phone games abandon studies EVEN THOUGH they are “weary” and “play hooky”? I think you mean, young addicts neglect schoolwork and play hooky because cell phone games keeps them from getting enough rest to study well. 

************What is “it”? Be specific.

In order Tto* follow the path of modern society, people have started to buying the private cars. Without controversy, It is true that a private car gives drivers a much greater degree of comfort and mobility. The popularization of the private car has many advantages. For instance, a private car can save time when people are late for the work. Nonetheless, a private car can cause some inconvenience to people. On the one hand, the increasing number of personal vehicles** causes the severe problems, such as air pollution, and traffic congestion. Imagine that people are going out for work in a hurry, but people are confronting the traffic congestion.*** It is such an embarrassingment thing for people to arrive on theto work lately, and that Ppeople needs to stay focused when they are driving on the road****. Otherwise, it***** may cause a severe car accident and injury of people****. So mostly it***** also brings inconvenience for the people.****** On the other hand, Oone day the energy that drives cars fossil fuels/gasoline will be used up, causing serious energy problems. And when these cars are gone, the oisonous tail gas has left the environment in contaminated.******* suggestion: “poisonous fumes (or gases) will still continue to contaminate the environment.”

*It is best not to start the first sentence of a paragraph with “to”

**Great job, using a variety of ways to say “private car” so that you don’t overuse the term. 

***Even though you do not use the word “you” here, you are still subliminally using the second person when you say “Imagine this…” There is an assumed “you” as in, “(You) imagine this…” which is not a very professional writing style and does not work for an academic essay. Simply state what you want to say, for example: “People who are late for work will become even more stressed if they encounter traffic.”

****Like the “pay money” comment above: car accidents usually injure people. People usually drive on the road, so there is no need to say “injury of people” “driving on the road.” If something other than people were injured (puppies, plants) or if people were driving on something unusual—dirt, water, the sky—then you can include those details. Avoid redundancy.

*****Again, what is “it”? The driver’s reckless driving? The fear of being embarrassed? The car? Remember to be specific.

******Logical issue: You do not really tell your reader how these two points (it is embarrassing to be late + people need to focus when driving) are related. You seem to say that people drive recklessly because they are afraid of being embarrassed. Actually, it’s more likely that people drive recklessly due to stress, more than embarrassment. They may be stressed and worried that being late will make people mad at them, or will cause them to lose their job, more than they are afraid of being embarrassed. This may be a cultural issue that varies from place to place.

******These are all good points, but you need to expand on them instead of using only one sentence to talk about each idea.

There is also a lot of high-Tech^(see comments above) convinces conveniences in the kitchen. The dish-washier dishwasher and the microwave are the topical suggestion: conic/quintessential representatives of high Tech^ in the kitchen. Dishwashers can bring a lot of advantages to people. The first one is that  Suggestion: For one, For instance, For one thing, For example, dishwashers can help people cut down on natural manual labor. The second one is that  Suggestions: Secondly, Moreover, In addition, it dishwashers can clean up dirt on the plate.* In spite of Although dishwashers can clean up dirt on the plates, itthey cannot completely clean up dirt on the plates thoroughly (or completely, or perfectly). Furthermore, In fact, scientists have found a possibly harmful fungus that grows in dishwashers, surviving high temperatures, aggressive doses of detergents, and rinsing salts, and both acidic and alkaline types of water.

*This reasoning would not work. Dishwashers are designed to wash dishes, to clean up any dirt on a plate (also plates usually don’t have dirt on them, more like leftover food stains). So by saying that, you are not saying anything that supports your argument. Think about how dishwashers do this job in a way that is convenient for human beings.

The microwave is another example of convenientce technology used in the kitchen. Some of the people don’t want to cook part of dinner in a fraction of the typical time because they would have to wait to get the rest of the dinner ready.* For the working class people**, they just want to eat instant food because they are tired of making dinner after they come back to home.** Besides, the microwave has a permanent wave*** when people get close to the microwave when the microwave is on. Microwaves also absorbs water from food, which and leads to a nutrient loss in food.****

*This statement does not make sense. Are you saying they don’t want to cook part of their dinner quickly and another part slowly? What does that have to do with microwaves?

**Be careful how you use “working class people.” It can be insulting and limiting. Everybody class of people work, but there are different kinds of work. Also, be careful not to make sweeping generalizations. Not everybody feels or acts like this, but it sounds like you are assuming they are. Better to just say “Most workers” or “most people.”

***this does not make sense. Do you mean the microwave continually emits energy waves/radiation? I’m not sure that is true. If so, please reference an authority/source to prove it.

**** Again, you state two points (radiation hazards + water absorption) and only use one sentence per point. Please elaborate. Also, because water is not a nutrient, you can’t reason that by absorbing water, microwaves are causing foods to lose nutrients.

We are not advocating high-tech^ products cannot be used, we do modern conveniences brought bring great comfort**, but we can sensibly think of this technique***, not to completely unaware of potentially dangerous hands.* The modern facilities*** are the crystallization of human wisdom, and we should use the present facilities*** appropriately and rationally****. Only in this way can the modern facilities*** avoid***** the inconvenience it^(see previous comments) brings and makes it more convenient for our* happy life.

*Remember the prompt! Do not use “we”!!

**The point of this essay is not to talk about why technology is comforting, but why it is convenient. Be careful to stick to the point.

***What technique? A technique to do what? What modern/present facilities? Do you mean modern technologies? These sentences do not make sense. 

****This is an awkward adverb. Can you think of a better way to put it, for example, “wisely” or “not excessively”? 

*****This is called “anthropomorphism.” Only humans can do things like “avoid inconveniences.” Facilities (or I think you mean technologies) don’t “avoid inconveniences,” at least not in the sense you are trying to convey in this sentence.

Final comments:

• Overall, good job for a first-time essay!

• Because the prompt specifies that you discuss modern conveniences that have become inconveniences, it would be a good idea to actually talk about how and why things are or are not convenient. Show that you understand what the word “convenient” means—it doesn’t necessarily mean “good,” it just means “makes certain aspects of life easier.” Just as “inconveniences” are not necessarily bad. If you can demonstrate this level of in-depth thinking and writing, it can really help your essay become much stronger.

• After writing out the essay it should be easier to go back and revise your thesis. In your paper, you mention the following technologies: cell phones, cars, dishwashers, and microwaves. Think about what these items have in common, or how they can be further categorized. Then use that to rewrite the thesis. For example: “Modern technologies that we use at home or on the road can end up being more inconvenient than we expect.” This way you do not restate the prompt by saying “some modern conveniences have turned out to be inconveniences,” and you don’t give everything away or restate what you already mentioned in the body of your intro paragraph. 
• Structure-wise, it is a little awkward to mention one item each in the category of communication (cell phones), and transportation (cars), and then TWO items in the category of kitchen appliances (dishwashers AND microwaves). It would be better if you showed more parallelism: either one item per category or two. Not one for some categories and two for other categories.